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For SALE - Men's First XI
- Going cheap
This posting was recently
seen on e-bay and while I now can't find it, you
can be sure that it is still out there
somewhere.
Are you looking for XI 'fit'
individuals? Or looking for a whole team of
hockey experts? Want to amuse the family, or
just entertain your kids? There are more Muppets
here than Sesame Street so look no further.
The first under the hammer is
Karate Kid Wolf van Damme or Wolfy for
short, a quiet and genteel mid-fielder with
great skills, a karate kick from the van Damme
training camp, and this week a shoulder/arm slam
that Giant Haystacks would be proud of. Slow to
get into the game, but once he's there it's good
night Irene for the opposition. Or would you
prefer his mid-field counterpart, Andy C,
who having grown six feet in 8 months now stands
shoulder to shoulder with the rest of the team.
While he hasn't yet learnt how to score a lot in
open play, promotion to drag-flicker should
help, and if not the opposition defence always
like to help, as with this weeks second goal as
it was nicely tipped round a stranded keeper by
the right back. Comes with nice skills and
brings his own fan club - Mr C (thanks for the
support Peter).
If Midfield isn't your thing,
then take a step back. In central defence we
provide an alternative of Mr Chiles, who
comes complete with Barbie style phone
accessories, a laptop and a tackle of epic
proportions, or Lambo, who despite
preferring to wander round after the match in
just a t-shirt, does possess a full uniform. Not
only does he like to throw his weight around at
the back in immense style, but also has a handy
mark on his forehead for resting your weary
thumbs.
These two muscle men are
flanked by the gentle souls of the "blonde"
Archer or the softer than Fairy Ottaway.
This week Craig was on a blinder and looked to
have their right wing bamboozled in suds, before
unfortunately hurting his foot on the nasty hard
ball. If you can provide warm clothing and a
motherly touch either of these youngsters would
be ideal for you. Of course the rebellious
Archer might be more of a handful as he proved
to the Leighton Buzzard defence this week in
constantly turning up with the ball. Though a
tendency to play lying down does limit his view
of the world he was still an easy choice for man
of the match. Craig also comes with a ready made
stand in Mr Powell, who despite having a
solid game at left half was forced back to
defend when poor Craig was "hurt" - quiet and
unassuming, he is controlled and perfect to step
into the breach whenever needed, as is often the
case. This week he enjoyed several excellent
passing moves including one directly off the
back line (clear Donkey material)
Normally we would offer you
an experienced keeper of many years to hold up
your back line, but this week a returning
Bungle Bear took time out of the arty farty
world to allow just one goal past the sticks. A
string of solid saves was followed by one
glorious save off the short onto the bar, where
the waiting defence looked on in admiration as
the oppo forward collected the rebound,
controlled and slotted home, making the score
2-1 to A&C.
Of course in reality what you
will really want is the wide midfield, worth
their weight in iron. Wide either side is
Davey or Jacko. The first gets you
there late, and the second; lately gets you
there, as seen by the increase of battling
performances in recent weeks. Mr Crossman of
course comes with faulty Sat Nav, a plethora of
excuses for all sorts of things, 22 pairs of
socks in all colours, and despite having little
in the way of balls is a ferocious competitor,
or Mr Jack who comes with every type of
clipboard made, a new dance move every week ("to
warm up with") and a "Scottish" accent to prove
his heritage. With both you get weighty tackling
and running, though it is Jacko that provides
the tackling and running, and Crossman gives
the.....
If none of these tickle your
fancy, so to Mr Cartledge, fiercely loyal
to the opposition goal regularly feeding it with
balls and rarely straying more than 22 metres
from it, though in recent weeks has been seen
patrolling a bigger perimeter with measured
success. This week he scored two, one from a
flick in the first 2 minutes, and the other from
a bold dive in front of a lunging keeper to make
it 3-1 for the win. Unfortunately he now comes
with a bruised nose and sore hip. We must also
admit that this model may be slightly faulty
following the clash, as on Saturday night he was
seen dancing to Song 2 in a crowded pub, on his
own, with a pink handbag, bless.
Instead the wise option is
Duncan, he is quiet, organised, always
attends, and is constantly filled with money by
the rest of this motley bunch in their fines
session - though currently under the weather due
to the recent disappearance of his cousin
Bertie.
But the pick of the Muppets
has to be our Donkey - in reality this is
a stuffed animal, but in recent weeks has become
indistinguishable from Warren (3 weeks from 4 -
one week he didn't play!). He is both quick and
skilled. To demonstrate, on Saturday he quickly
celebrated a goal that Martin had deflected from
5 yards outside the D (touching noone else),
then quickly hid his embarrassment by wheeling
away, then quickly prayed that it would get
forgotten by the Donkey vote - no chance. He
skilfully hit the fence post exactly on a rivet
placed exactly 1 foot wide of the open goal,
skilfully picked out the keepers glove on
several occasions and very skilfully landed the
ball onto the keeper to set up the hospital pass
for Cartledge to score.
The choice is yours, but bid
soon, as with recent results the price is rising
- fast - now 3rd in the table this is an outfit
to watch out for... top of the table clash this
week, and desperate to take this weeks 3-1 win
to better places.
Questions from Bidders:
In a fight between the
First XI and the Wombles who would win?
With Wolf van Damme to beat them senseless,
Scott to talk them into submission and the
tactics from Jacko, the Wombles would be
Womblemeat in minutes, however the First XI
would get disqualified as Davey would be late to
the fight and Lambo would be shopping and not
turn up at all.
How fit are this lot?
In answer all I can say is; how fit is a piece
of string?
3-1 - a good result?
A great result - all 12 played hard and gave
their all - not the greatest of performances at
all times, but always looked like winning, and
to the man deserved the points.
For more details: Contact the
Donkey.
Author: Warren Scott |
